The most common message I get from parents is this:
My kid has always breezed through school, but now they’re struggling. We’re so concerned!
This is particularly relevant to me because my parents would have said the same thing about me. I breezed through school (much to their delight) until I didn’t (much to our mutual horror).
The problem my parents made is this: they were concerned at the completely wrong time. They were concerned when I struggled but happy when I coasted.
That’s backward.
Parallel Problems
To highlight why my parents concern was completely backward, consider this parallel problem:
Our child has gone to weight-lifting camp for ten years. They’ve always been able to lift all of the weights without even trying. This year, they’re struggling to lift the weights for the first time! We’re so concerned!
Or this one:
Our daughter has always been able to beat her chess game on easy mode without even losing a piece. Now, after ten years, she moved to medium difficulty and she’s starting to struggle. What should we do?
Or this one:
My child has always gotten the highest scores when bowling. But this year we removed the bumpers and now they’re struggling! We don’t know what to do!
Hopefully the problem is more obvious here.
The concern shouldn’t be that that the kid is struggling. Of course they’re struggling. That’s called learning.
The concern is: why did this kid go for 10 years without struggling? And, even worse, why was this child praised for coasting for a decade?
Praised Poorly
You wouldn’t praise someone for being “so strong” when they lifted too-light weights. You wouldn’t call someone a chess prodigy if they always played on easy mode. We wouldn’t be excited by a 13-year old still bowling with bumpers.
And yet, this is exactly what adults did my whole life.
They praised me for doing things that were too easy for me rather than moving me on to work that would have been a challenge.
The praise I received was always result-based, not action based. “Yay, you’re so smart!” not “Wow, you worked hard!”
If you’re praising your kid based on results, but ignoring the actions that got them there, you need to flip that around. Praise (or fix) actions. Results will follow. Do not praise results in isolation. That’s what my parents and teachers did.
I Did This, Too
As a teacher, I cringe when I look back on parent-teacher conferences when I said things like:
Everything’s great with Jose. Nothing to worry about. A perfect report card. He’s such a great kid.
Oof. I should have known exactly what Jose’s struggles were, even if he got perfect scores. I should have known how to push him. I should have been able to tell his parents what to work on with him.
“Everything’s great” is horrible feedback. There’s always
something to be working on.
A Bad Reaction
Back to me as a student.
When school finally caught up to my ability, and I starting struggling for the first time… my parents freaked out.
They had basked in all of my easy A’s, but when that first B came home… yikes! My mom even went in and talked to my geometry teacher. As if he did something wrong! She should have shook his hand.
I’d like to thank you for this B. Finally, a teacher has challenged my kid.
But, no, my parents lectured me and made me feel bad. Believe me… I already felt bad.
I felt really bad. To my core.
Because at my core, I was a “smart kid” who never had to work and always got A’s. But, suddenly I, a person who did not have to study, had to study. I, a person who did not have to take notes, had to take notes. I had to learn how to be a student for the first time – in high school!.
And I pulled off a B. And my parents were “very concerned.”
Celebrate. Don’t Panic.
If a child is struggling at school for the first time, they probably feel stupid and embarrassed and stressed out. If they’re like me, they’re ashamed that they have to study. They feel like a fraud. They wish they were back in 3rd grade, when they got lots of goopy praise for doing easy things.
So now that your child is struggling, it’s time to celebrate, not freak out. Let them know how proud you are that they’re working for the first time at school. Tell them you love them.
Are they struggling to even know how to study? Mutually pick small study-skill goals and praise your kid when they pull them off:
- This week, you need to speak to three of your teachers after school. It can be about anything.
- Today, you need to raise your hand and ask a question. Even if you already know the answer.
- This week you need to take six pages of notes.
Celebrate those victories. Throw a pizza party when they talk to their teacher after school every week for a month. Get serious about praising their actions.